Alvida

Words were unnecessary; especially the polite ones. Even casual conversation looked such a waste…when the only question in her head was “Can I hug you?” But then all the way from his office to home she hadn’t asked. She hadn’t even touched him and as far as possible tried to keep her eyes off him. Because every time she looked desire took hold of her. Not the slow desire that rises and wants you to ride it, but the kind of desire that hurts and wants you to hurt the other person.

She wasn’t sure what the purpose of her visit was. Had she come to say the first hello to her best friend with whom she had shared everything or had she come to say the final goodbye to the stranger she hadn’t ever met? The only reason she could figure out was that it was her destiny - like always, she was at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person- somehow she had this knack of doing the wrong stuff; that she was asked not to do. Out of the two of them she was the adventurous one. He had asked her not to come, but she had. He had refused to give his address- she had reached his office. He had asked her to forget him but she hadn’t. The last time they had spoken he had told her it was their last conversation, since there was no future. But she had refused to believe. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t lust, it was something else that had brought her there. Desire.

Now they were at his home. There was noone at his apartment and it kind of relieved her. It would have been strange to face one of his flat mates and explain it out to him what the hell she was doing there. His house was in an ordered mess – like a typical guy’s place. Right now he did not even make the effort to clean up right in front of her- maybe because he didnt care after the first impression, maybe because he wanted to convey that she was not welcome. But who was she to care?

He was now in the kitchen pouring out water for her. She knew- it was now or never. If they remained silent for 10 more minutes they would be lost in that vast ocean where desire would be a speck…if they talked about casual stuff for another 7 minutes they would be safely be on the shore; where desire wouldn’t even be visible. She wanted none of these. She was here to let him know what she felt for him and that she would let him know before leaving. Before tomorrow. Another 24 hours and then they will never meet again. Time was ticking and the glass was more than half full.

She went and without saying a word hugged him, from behind. Tightly. “This is what I am here for.”; she told herself. He recoiled and tried to free himself but she didn’t let him go. “Don’t go…not atleast today. I don’t have forever to tell you what I feel, nor do I have the courage because despite all the adventure that’s inside me I know I am cheating someone who trusts me. You don’t have to tell me that what I am doing is wrong because I already know that. Let me be, just one last time.

He stopped trying to wriggle out. She relaxes her hold, closes her eyes and thinks “This was not how I had imagined…it feels good but something is amiss, maybe the chemistry”. He hasn’t said a word but now he turns around. It doesn’t feel alright- his principles raging in her head and her own guilt are burning off the desire and scorching her. She thinks he might want to slap her but he doesn’t. He holds her hand and makes her sit on the chair He sits on the floor still holding her hand and asks simply “What do you want?” Like all his questions this one pierces her- as well. How could he always ask the questions to which she had no replies?

“Nothing. I want nothing. I came here because I wanted to hug you. Maybe I can go now….since I have already done what I was here for…maybe I shouldn’t have come at all…it was a mistake”; she laughed a bit towards the end to insert an unwanted mirth in the deadly tomb like silence. He listened calmly and said “Will you stop being defensive…now that you are already here?” For the first time she looked directly into his eyes and smiled “…well I guess you are right…please forgive me if that hug looked stupid…but I wanted to give you one….” “Oh come on don’t start all over again…” The smile was back on both their faces and the room did not look so deadly silent anymore. Conversation came back to normal and she wondered how one hug (rather half hug…he hadn’t hugged her) had killed such an intense desire that she had nurtured carefully in the last few months.

The usual leg pulling started. Both of them carefully avoided discussing the last conversation or anything about the hug. Evening came and saw them taking a walk along the famous destinations of the city. To an onlooker they must have looked like friends having a good time and to some others as husband and wife. To noone they looked what they had been a few hours earlier- strangers. To noone they looked what they would be in another few hours- strangers. As the evening darkened into night the demons of desire who had been so easily scorched in the afternoon sunlight came out again. They buzzed in her head and she looked longingly at him. Once in a while, she caught him looking strangely but then none of them questioned the looks. Dinner time came and they went to a quiet little Chinese restaurant near his place. ”Let’s get drunk…then atleast we would be able to mark off one thing from our wild “to do list”. His eyes looked up questioningly but then he sensed the desperation in her voice and nodded in positive.

It was difficult to loosen out even after 2 glasses of wine. The conversation still bordered on the good old past without a mention of the desire that was so apparent now in both their eyes in the present or the future that wasn’t there at all. She questioned him about where she would stay for the night. He suggested a lady friend’s place but then she jokingly told him that if he thought of something so boring then she would drop right there at the restaurant faking dizziness and then he will have to carry her him in his arms. Likewise, each joke hovered between what could have been and what cannot be. Their legs rested against each other and neither of them made that effort to remove them but then neither of them accepted that. It was so much like their relationship – as apparent as the sun and yet hidden under the table.

Post dinner instead of going back they decided to take a walk against the sea shore. Hand in hand; fingers entwined they walked, wordless. When they sat, her head rested on his shoulders and his one arm held her. After a while he lay down on the sand and started talking…it all came in a rush…what he felt for her, how much he missed her and how much more he would miss her. He had been shocked to see her today morning at his workplace but then it couldn’t have been any better. He held her hand and asked again if she had to go at all…She didn’t answer for a long while as a single tear trickled down her cheeks. He asked her again, this time anger rising in his vice, exactly like the last time when he had told her that he wouldn’t want to talk to her maybe ever again. No, she didn’t want to part with him like that…she had to stop that anger. He was saying something again…She quickly turned on her stomach and placed one palm over his eyes. She couldn’t face those eyes; for all that she was worth in the world, at a moment like this. It had the desired effect, he stopped speaking. “Maybe I am drunk, maybe I am wrong, like I was in the afternoon but then I am doing what feels right at the moment. “; saying this she lowered her lips on his and touched them gently…skin against skin, breath against breath. He did not open his eyes when she removed her palm. This time he did not withdraw his hand that were holding her’s, rather they went around her waist, holding her in half embrace.

They lay there warm bodies on a cool night beach; creating memories that would have to last a lifetime. When morning came they were ready to leave each other; if not happily then atleast sans any pain. When he came back to the apartment after leaving her at the airport he found the following note at his desk:

Dearest Sexy legs (and now that I have looked closely I am sure that they are sexy),

It seems to me that I have lived a whole lifetime in the last 24 hours. I came here on a whim and was not even sure if we would meet. You agreed to see me despite all that happened between us and for that I guess no amount of thankyous would suffice. Now when I am going back, I am leaving a part of myself behind, but then I am carrying something much more precious that no riches in the world can compare to. Memories.
You have been a wonderful friend to me. I know you would never believe me when I would tell you that you are far more important than anything or anyone, (cutting potatoes for dinner, included). Life is strange and it shows us strange stuff. It made us meet and then it made us part and made us aware of our desires when there should be none but then it also showed me that my love for you is beyond the physical desire and desire to see you and meet you every day. A lot of people will come and go but noone would ever take your place. Of course, I am a human as well and would miss you once in a while but the memory of last night will keep me going. Plus not to forget our long conversations over the last 2 years that stabilized and made me realize when I was. I took much more than I gave- you never asked for anything except my full attention and it’s a pity I failed at that. Anyways no harm in crying over spilt milk.
Thanks for everything that you have been to me – God, mentor, teacher, friend, lover, listener, and critic. I promised you last time that we will never talk or see each other again…but I broke it. But this time ek dum pakka valla promise that I would not try to meet you or call you (Tumhari kasam) but then I am sure that if life made us meet once, it will make us cross paths again…Alvida till then

Love,
Me