Words were unnecessary; especially the polite ones. Even casual conversation looked such a waste…when the only question in her head was “Can I hug you?” But then all the way from his office to home she hadn’t asked. She hadn’t even touched him and as far as possible tried to keep her eyes off him. Because every time she looked desire took hold of her. Not the slow desire that rises and wants you to ride it, but the kind of desire that hurts and wants you to hurt the other person.
She wasn’t sure what the purpose of her visit was. Had she come to say the first hello to her best friend with whom she had shared everything or had she come to say the final goodbye to the stranger she hadn’t ever met? The only reason she could figure out was that it was her destiny - like always, she was at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person- somehow she had this knack of doing the wrong stuff; that she was asked not to do. Out of the two of them she was the adventurous one. He had asked her not to come, but she had. He had refused to give his address- she had reached his office. He had asked her to forget him but she hadn’t. The last time they had spoken he had told her it was their last conversation, since there was no future. But she had refused to believe. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t lust, it was something else that had brought her there. Desire.
Now they were at his home. There was noone at his apartment and it kind of relieved her. It would have been strange to face one of his flat mates and explain it out to him what the hell she was doing there. His house was in an ordered mess – like a typical guy’s place. Right now he did not even make the effort to clean up right in front of her- maybe because he didnt care after the first impression, maybe because he wanted to convey that she was not welcome. But who was she to care?
He was now in the kitchen pouring out water for her. She knew- it was now or never. If they remained silent for 10 more minutes they would be lost in that vast ocean where desire would be a speck…if they talked about casual stuff for another 7 minutes they would be safely be on the shore; where desire wouldn’t even be visible. She wanted none of these. She was here to let him know what she felt for him and that she would let him know before leaving. Before tomorrow. Another 24 hours and then they will never meet again. Time was ticking and the glass was more than half full.
She went and without saying a word hugged him, from behind. Tightly. “This is what I am here for.”; she told herself. He recoiled and tried to free himself but she didn’t let him go. “Don’t go…not atleast today. I don’t have forever to tell you what I feel, nor do I have the courage because despite all the adventure that’s inside me I know I am cheating someone who trusts me. You don’t have to tell me that what I am doing is wrong because I already know that. Let me be, just one last time.
He stopped trying to wriggle out. She relaxes her hold, closes her eyes and thinks “This was not how I had imagined…it feels good but something is amiss, maybe the chemistry”. He hasn’t said a word but now he turns around. It doesn’t feel alright- his principles raging in her head and her own guilt are burning off the desire and scorching her. She thinks he might want to slap her but he doesn’t. He holds her hand and makes her sit on the chair He sits on the floor still holding her hand and asks simply “What do you want?” Like all his questions this one pierces her- as well. How could he always ask the questions to which she had no replies?
“Nothing. I want nothing. I came here because I wanted to hug you. Maybe I can go now….since I have already done what I was here for…maybe I shouldn’t have come at all…it was a mistake”; she laughed a bit towards the end to insert an unwanted mirth in the deadly tomb like silence. He listened calmly and said “Will you stop being defensive…now that you are already here?” For the first time she looked directly into his eyes and smiled “…well I guess you are right…please forgive me if that hug looked stupid…but I wanted to give you one….” “Oh come on don’t start all over again…” The smile was back on both their faces and the room did not look so deadly silent anymore. Conversation came back to normal and she wondered how one hug (rather half hug…he hadn’t hugged her) had killed such an intense desire that she had nurtured carefully in the last few months.
The usual leg pulling started. Both of them carefully avoided discussing the last conversation or anything about the hug. Evening came and saw them taking a walk along the famous destinations of the city. To an onlooker they must have looked like friends having a good time and to some others as husband and wife. To noone they looked what they had been a few hours earlier- strangers. To noone they looked what they would be in another few hours- strangers. As the evening darkened into night the demons of desire who had been so easily scorched in the afternoon sunlight came out again. They buzzed in her head and she looked longingly at him. Once in a while, she caught him looking strangely but then none of them questioned the looks. Dinner time came and they went to a quiet little Chinese restaurant near his place. ”Let’s get drunk…then atleast we would be able to mark off one thing from our wild “to do list”. His eyes looked up questioningly but then he sensed the desperation in her voice and nodded in positive.
It was difficult to loosen out even after 2 glasses of wine. The conversation still bordered on the good old past without a mention of the desire that was so apparent now in both their eyes in the present or the future that wasn’t there at all. She questioned him about where she would stay for the night. He suggested a lady friend’s place but then she jokingly told him that if he thought of something so boring then she would drop right there at the restaurant faking dizziness and then he will have to carry her him in his arms. Likewise, each joke hovered between what could have been and what cannot be. Their legs rested against each other and neither of them made that effort to remove them but then neither of them accepted that. It was so much like their relationship – as apparent as the sun and yet hidden under the table.
Post dinner instead of going back they decided to take a walk against the sea shore. Hand in hand; fingers entwined they walked, wordless. When they sat, her head rested on his shoulders and his one arm held her. After a while he lay down on the sand and started talking…it all came in a rush…what he felt for her, how much he missed her and how much more he would miss her. He had been shocked to see her today morning at his workplace but then it couldn’t have been any better. He held her hand and asked again if she had to go at all…She didn’t answer for a long while as a single tear trickled down her cheeks. He asked her again, this time anger rising in his vice, exactly like the last time when he had told her that he wouldn’t want to talk to her maybe ever again. No, she didn’t want to part with him like that…she had to stop that anger. He was saying something again…She quickly turned on her stomach and placed one palm over his eyes. She couldn’t face those eyes; for all that she was worth in the world, at a moment like this. It had the desired effect, he stopped speaking. “Maybe I am drunk, maybe I am wrong, like I was in the afternoon but then I am doing what feels right at the moment. “; saying this she lowered her lips on his and touched them gently…skin against skin, breath against breath. He did not open his eyes when she removed her palm. This time he did not withdraw his hand that were holding her’s, rather they went around her waist, holding her in half embrace.
They lay there warm bodies on a cool night beach; creating memories that would have to last a lifetime. When morning came they were ready to leave each other; if not happily then atleast sans any pain. When he came back to the apartment after leaving her at the airport he found the following note at his desk:
Dearest Sexy legs (and now that I have looked closely I am sure that they are sexy),
It seems to me that I have lived a whole lifetime in the last 24 hours. I came here on a whim and was not even sure if we would meet. You agreed to see me despite all that happened between us and for that I guess no amount of thankyous would suffice. Now when I am going back, I am leaving a part of myself behind, but then I am carrying something much more precious that no riches in the world can compare to. Memories.
You have been a wonderful friend to me. I know you would never believe me when I would tell you that you are far more important than anything or anyone, (cutting potatoes for dinner, included). Life is strange and it shows us strange stuff. It made us meet and then it made us part and made us aware of our desires when there should be none but then it also showed me that my love for you is beyond the physical desire and desire to see you and meet you every day. A lot of people will come and go but noone would ever take your place. Of course, I am a human as well and would miss you once in a while but the memory of last night will keep me going. Plus not to forget our long conversations over the last 2 years that stabilized and made me realize when I was. I took much more than I gave- you never asked for anything except my full attention and it’s a pity I failed at that. Anyways no harm in crying over spilt milk.
Thanks for everything that you have been to me – God, mentor, teacher, friend, lover, listener, and critic. I promised you last time that we will never talk or see each other again…but I broke it. But this time ek dum pakka valla promise that I would not try to meet you or call you (Tumhari kasam) but then I am sure that if life made us meet once, it will make us cross paths again…Alvida till then
Love,
Me
Friday, August 21, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Back to Square One- Part II - The Answers
When I look at the personal profile of the girl you wrote about, all I can see is A’s and A+ all the way through, with occasional B’s at some places (afterall no one is perfect). A job in a reputed MNC, a five figure salary, confident to survive the tough world out there, time management (afterall she can take out time to read books and enjoy), now any guy who does not like her would be a pure fool (she has all the selling points for an institution called marriage). A girl who can be best at what she does in her office and then can go out and rock the world on a Friday evening and above all can differentiate between vodka and martini (I can’t do that), and still likes to have some time off, some quality time to herself, hats off to her. Sounds like my dream girl. Does GOD still makes such girls? Definitely she has learnt how to live without anyone’s help, and does not need any guy, or even a girl for that matter to fulfill her dreams. The only thing that I see missing in her life is marriage, to make her life perfect (only if we go according to what happens in the life of millions of us). But instead of accepting marriage as a fate she steps forward and ask the world “why do I need to get married”. No, she does not need to get married. Definitely not to be helped when she is sick, not to help her shopping, not for emotional support, not for material pleasures, and not even to have babies.
For me the nuptial tie is the best thing that can ever happen to any human being. Just for the sake of Maya, lets not call it marriage but just companionship, the act of living together legally.It does not make any difference if we get married or not, but still we do it just for the sake of our society. Somehow whenever two people decide to spend the rest of their lives together, they need to tell this world out loudly that they are together now, together in all aspects of life. May be people don’t tend to listen without a big party, a lot of dance and music, gifts and the endless rituals which are all the part of the package. Furthermore our society also needs a name for every relationship (when we can give names to our pets, our cars, our house then why not to a relation), so they tend to call this act of companionship for life – “marriage”. I know to Maya it is still not a convincing argument, but hey life is never a win-win situation. Sometimes you just have to accept some things as facts. I too never understand why do I need to shave and dress up nicely always, but still have to do it occasionally, not for myself but for the sake of people around me.
Now lets get to the important question which is haunting her, why does she have to get married or live with someone? She does not need to get married to ‘survive’ in this world but she needs to get married to ‘live’ in this world. In spite of all the doubts I am sure there is someone whom she likes. When she comes back home from work she cannot be bothered to see another human being, but she definitely needs to come back home for a comforting hug. Come back home for the company of someone who will not bother her with what she did right or wrong during the day but instead will help her loosen up and forget that she has to make that damned presentation. Come back home to be with someone who loves her smile more than anything else.
Her company and her workmates takes care of her when she is sick, but there has to be someone who makes sure she takes her medicies on time. Someone who will be there by her side to offer her tissues when she is suffering from a terrible flu. Someone who won’t mind getting up in the middle of the night to give her water. And he will do all this because he wants her to enjoys their time together and wants to see her smiling again. Ulike her company who helps her to make sure she gets back to the office at the earliest since their work suffers from her absence.
She spends 10 hrs at work and at the end of the day all she can offer is a glum face for her partner but she is forgetting that her partner can manage to make her smile again. She will manage to spend a few hours over the weekend with him and make him experience that terrible smell of her fart, her loud snoring, show him her birth marks and may be have awesome sex. she might manage to have some happy moments in those few hours over the week end and some terrible ones too. But remember he will be the one who will be with her when she turn 80 and will be able to discuss all those memories with him over and over again when her company and team mates won’t be with her anymore. Isn’t that love?
Being together with someone will help her to ignore the dark things in life. Together they will manage to sparkle like stars in the dark night sky full of fused bulbs. She might be able to share a lot with her so called friends at work but will they be the happiest people in the world to see her success? Will they help her cry your heart’s content when she is sad? Will they give her support when she is all weak? Will they be willing to leave their work and be with you when you need them? I guess not. But her partner will make sure he is with her. He will listen to all she has accomplished even though he knows nothing about her field of work.
She knows the meaning of emotional dependence and the chemistry that is shared with the partner but is still confused? She knows what is right and what is wrong morally but still is trying to mix it with being practical? Her life seems to be going on in black and white but that someone will help her fill colours in them. She looks at the world in through the fogged up glass of practicality, going by the dictionary meaning of words. She thinks her life is imbalanced but that’s just because she is looking at one face of the coin and refuses to flip it. She knows she needs to be with someone but refuses to accept it, just because it does not look to be logical and practical. How can such a girl with strong personality be so week? Why cant she flip the coin and look at the other side of the world? Why cant she accept the fact the is someone somewhere who likes her to be practicle and respects her thoughts and freedom? She has no issues with being with someone but refuses to call it being married for the sake of society? Believe me Maya she can do all this and she will be very happy doing it, she wont regret it.
I hope she does not think marriage as a big bang or a black hole. I hope she does not think that by marrying someone she opened the pandora’s box of troubles but instead she opened the dorrway to Alis’ wonderland. Together they can fulfill all the fantasies they have always dreamt of, they will manage to do make the other one do what they are meant to be doing best apart from what they do for a living. Everyone has a wish-list they want to do but being together with someone they can open their wish- list and do all that which their colleagues and friends cant help them do.
So will she marry this Someone and be with him when she is 80?
For me the nuptial tie is the best thing that can ever happen to any human being. Just for the sake of Maya, lets not call it marriage but just companionship, the act of living together legally.It does not make any difference if we get married or not, but still we do it just for the sake of our society. Somehow whenever two people decide to spend the rest of their lives together, they need to tell this world out loudly that they are together now, together in all aspects of life. May be people don’t tend to listen without a big party, a lot of dance and music, gifts and the endless rituals which are all the part of the package. Furthermore our society also needs a name for every relationship (when we can give names to our pets, our cars, our house then why not to a relation), so they tend to call this act of companionship for life – “marriage”. I know to Maya it is still not a convincing argument, but hey life is never a win-win situation. Sometimes you just have to accept some things as facts. I too never understand why do I need to shave and dress up nicely always, but still have to do it occasionally, not for myself but for the sake of people around me.
Now lets get to the important question which is haunting her, why does she have to get married or live with someone? She does not need to get married to ‘survive’ in this world but she needs to get married to ‘live’ in this world. In spite of all the doubts I am sure there is someone whom she likes. When she comes back home from work she cannot be bothered to see another human being, but she definitely needs to come back home for a comforting hug. Come back home for the company of someone who will not bother her with what she did right or wrong during the day but instead will help her loosen up and forget that she has to make that damned presentation. Come back home to be with someone who loves her smile more than anything else.
Her company and her workmates takes care of her when she is sick, but there has to be someone who makes sure she takes her medicies on time. Someone who will be there by her side to offer her tissues when she is suffering from a terrible flu. Someone who won’t mind getting up in the middle of the night to give her water. And he will do all this because he wants her to enjoys their time together and wants to see her smiling again. Ulike her company who helps her to make sure she gets back to the office at the earliest since their work suffers from her absence.
She spends 10 hrs at work and at the end of the day all she can offer is a glum face for her partner but she is forgetting that her partner can manage to make her smile again. She will manage to spend a few hours over the weekend with him and make him experience that terrible smell of her fart, her loud snoring, show him her birth marks and may be have awesome sex. she might manage to have some happy moments in those few hours over the week end and some terrible ones too. But remember he will be the one who will be with her when she turn 80 and will be able to discuss all those memories with him over and over again when her company and team mates won’t be with her anymore. Isn’t that love?
Being together with someone will help her to ignore the dark things in life. Together they will manage to sparkle like stars in the dark night sky full of fused bulbs. She might be able to share a lot with her so called friends at work but will they be the happiest people in the world to see her success? Will they help her cry your heart’s content when she is sad? Will they give her support when she is all weak? Will they be willing to leave their work and be with you when you need them? I guess not. But her partner will make sure he is with her. He will listen to all she has accomplished even though he knows nothing about her field of work.
She knows the meaning of emotional dependence and the chemistry that is shared with the partner but is still confused? She knows what is right and what is wrong morally but still is trying to mix it with being practical? Her life seems to be going on in black and white but that someone will help her fill colours in them. She looks at the world in through the fogged up glass of practicality, going by the dictionary meaning of words. She thinks her life is imbalanced but that’s just because she is looking at one face of the coin and refuses to flip it. She knows she needs to be with someone but refuses to accept it, just because it does not look to be logical and practical. How can such a girl with strong personality be so week? Why cant she flip the coin and look at the other side of the world? Why cant she accept the fact the is someone somewhere who likes her to be practicle and respects her thoughts and freedom? She has no issues with being with someone but refuses to call it being married for the sake of society? Believe me Maya she can do all this and she will be very happy doing it, she wont regret it.
I hope she does not think marriage as a big bang or a black hole. I hope she does not think that by marrying someone she opened the pandora’s box of troubles but instead she opened the dorrway to Alis’ wonderland. Together they can fulfill all the fantasies they have always dreamt of, they will manage to do make the other one do what they are meant to be doing best apart from what they do for a living. Everyone has a wish-list they want to do but being together with someone they can open their wish- list and do all that which their colleagues and friends cant help them do.
So will she marry this Someone and be with him when she is 80?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Back to Square One - The Questions-Part I
From the point I stand in life; simple things have started confusing me. Love. Friendship. Life. Practicality. What are all these? A thousand random thoughts that can be summed up as the following questions:
What is the purpose of life?
What is the meaning of friendship and love?
What does it mean to be practical?
Why do we marry?
In a way all these questions are linked to each other and relevant to me in my current situation. “Why do we marry?” I have already written another blog(http://the-aphrodites-echo.blogspot.com/2007/12/whys-with-whats-trailing-behind.html ) asked this question (alas, with no satisfying answers) so would start from this one. Like me, I know that for those thousands and thousands of Indian girls (more specifically and maybe a few 100 guys) who have seen the transition from Doordarshan to the Cable TV, from the local kirana store to the Big Bazaar and from Dhabas to food courts in malls in their growing up years the question remains the same. Why do I need to marry? All my life, my parents guided me to be self dependent – emotionally, physically, mentally, financially and in every possible sense to fight the big bad world out there. Then I managed to get a job in a reputed MNC (one of the selling keywords in the matrimonial pages) where my hard work and dedication took me up and up to a five figure salary (here’s another of those!!) and I slogged day and night to be a somebody. I learnt sweep off the client bids against other competing firms; from right under their nose. I learnt to set my foot down as to what I can give and what I cannot give to the client. I learnt to enjoy books sitting in a coffee bar on a lazy Sunday morning. I rocked on Friday nights (till early mornings) and learnt to differentiate between martini and vodka. I learnt that love happened only in movies. In real life it was all about moving – because of time constraints, distances and work pressures. I learnt that guys and girls can be best friends without having any intentions. After I had done all this there came a big bang – or rather the black hole of marriage. I don’t need that guy – ok he can be my friend, he can even stay with me and I think I will manage to cook and make him (and myself) happy as well. But why the hell marriage? I don’t need him for anything- not for emotional support (100s of client meetings later- some good and some bad I know how to manage my mood), not for get pleasure out of fucks (did u hear about the latest sex toy?) not for finances (remember five figure salary going on six- the onsite assignment), not for the time when I am in sick bed (my company and my team from work takes care of that) and certainly not to make babies (how about adoption without marriage- its in vogue). I need to be with a guy all my life (I do not believe in divorces and can write an equally vehement speech on that). When I come back home from work I cannot be bothered to see another human being within my view area. All I want is to be left alone till the next morning…So do I marry just because everyone else in my family got married before me? Or just to go out for dates, holidays and shopping with one guy instead of anyone randomly picked up? To me the whole thing looks crazed out.
When I tell this to people a lot of them point that something is wrong in my head. That I am too independent, too moody and too “free”. That I take things too practically (thus bringing us to the third question in my list). The word “practical” has made my life so troublesome that I actually went to see the meaning in the dictionary. For those of you who are smiling at this- well I was actually worried about the fact if I am normal or not. Was I being too selfish thinking of self all the time? But the dictionary meaning (anything that’s guided by morals and voluntary desires; together) instead of resolving the knot confused me further. In my case the voluntary desires and morals were running in 2 separate directions and I would have been so much happier had the definition said “anything that’s guided by either morals or voluntary desires and not both”. I say, there is nothing called love. The 4 crore marriage industry and the whole of advertising industry that camps so heavily on that emotion is an absolute waste to everyone; except the people who are cashing on it. Love can only happen in the 3hour movies in real life you have to arrange things to make it happen. The only problem is when you start “arranging” things the emotion is out of it. You can arrange a romantic dinner with your partner to show love, but then at the back of the mind you would be wondering if the two of you can leave a bit early; since you have to make that damned presentation. Where is the emotion in that case? Still others tell me that “love is when you do things out of will to make the other person happy”. But for me that kind of spontaneous love is for everyone around- right from the dog whom I kick everyday from the main gate of the house to the madman who stays at the end of the road. The day I miss seeing either of them – I feel something is amiss. Guess, a lot of people call that habit. So is love a habit? If yes, then what do I leave special for my “special someone”? I spend 10 hours at the workplace – sharing the little joys and sorrows and anyone would agree that all that happens in office cannot be explained to a third person with 100% transmission; and not even 50% at the end of a work day. It just doesn’t make sense. What does it leave out for the partner? A glum face at the end of the day, a few hours over the weekend plus what you smell like when you fart, how loudly can you snore, how many birth marks are there over your body and how do you look when you wake up in the middle of the night. Is that love?
I know I sound critical and an absolute pessimist. I am not – I want to be happy (that’s my answer to what is my purpose in life) and want to make people around me happy. Don’t want to hurt even a fly (the dog that I kick everyday in the above paragraph also receives bread and milk daily). I try to follow the saying that “you can be happy if you want to be happy”. That’s possible if you ignore the dark things in life. But then what if there are so many fused bulbs around that you are actually struggling to walk? If love is sharing small joys and sorrows (the farts and the snoring contests) then what happens to the big ones? They obviously fall in the laps of colleagues. Some of them even manage to migrate to the category of good friends – trouble starts when the “good friend” is from the opposite sex. The spouse at home gets the small share of joys and sorrows and this friend from work gets the major share of your time and the joys and sorrows. It’s impossible to share everything with this friend and not love him. Ok there is something called being in limit. But for how long? There are limits even to “being in limit”. Is it unnatural to desire someone physically (remember practicality is driven also by morals as per the definition?) when there are so many linked emotions? If I can have 10 friends then why not 10 lovers? What’s wrong? Morals of course. That brings me to my second question. What is love and friendship? How do you “limit” love? Remember in the above paragraph you were wondering that this girl is crazy, when she is being practical in love and now you are thinking about limiting it to just one person who gets the smallest share of the joys and sorrows? Forget about physical love (lets reserve it for the spouse) but what about all those conversations over coffee and lunch? My practicality says it’s easier to get rid of, forgive and forget “spouse’s sleeping with some one else” than the emotional dependence and the chemistry that they share over what the world calls “small talk”. Coming back to the point I made earlier- if it’s permitted by the world to have casual conversations with 10 people (which may sometimes provide more pleasure than the sex last night) with whom you share a good rapport is one night stand with a colleague during one of those weak moments wrong? Wrong as per the world- but again seems practical to me. The guilt and the slight change from monotony, the sense of adventure that it provides may actually save a failing marriage.
I might be wrong on all points I made above. I agree I should marry, be reasonably practical that makes me stick to marriage and be in the limits with friends and colleagues. But then all this deprives the selfish me of the basic motive in life of being happy. I would be too busy pleasing everyone and setting limits and in deciding how many grams of practicality I need in a situation. So then what is the purpose of life? Just live day by day (I call that dying) and then create a list of “10 things to do before dying” a few months before death of all the stuff that was missed. Saying sorrys thankyous and I love(d) yous. My stupid tortured practicality again comes into the picture and tells me that if I do not set any limits to what I can give and take in terms of emotions (that is live as if every moment is the last) then I wouldn’t need a list at the end of the journey. But then that would mean being called a robot (if I go by the concept mentioned in para one of love being nothing but advertisement hype and an emotion that can be “arranged”) or a slut (if I live and love without limits).
Answers anyone?
What is the purpose of life?
What is the meaning of friendship and love?
What does it mean to be practical?
Why do we marry?
In a way all these questions are linked to each other and relevant to me in my current situation. “Why do we marry?” I have already written another blog(http://the-aphrodites-echo.blogspot.com/2007/12/whys-with-whats-trailing-behind.html ) asked this question (alas, with no satisfying answers) so would start from this one. Like me, I know that for those thousands and thousands of Indian girls (more specifically and maybe a few 100 guys) who have seen the transition from Doordarshan to the Cable TV, from the local kirana store to the Big Bazaar and from Dhabas to food courts in malls in their growing up years the question remains the same. Why do I need to marry? All my life, my parents guided me to be self dependent – emotionally, physically, mentally, financially and in every possible sense to fight the big bad world out there. Then I managed to get a job in a reputed MNC (one of the selling keywords in the matrimonial pages) where my hard work and dedication took me up and up to a five figure salary (here’s another of those!!) and I slogged day and night to be a somebody. I learnt sweep off the client bids against other competing firms; from right under their nose. I learnt to set my foot down as to what I can give and what I cannot give to the client. I learnt to enjoy books sitting in a coffee bar on a lazy Sunday morning. I rocked on Friday nights (till early mornings) and learnt to differentiate between martini and vodka. I learnt that love happened only in movies. In real life it was all about moving – because of time constraints, distances and work pressures. I learnt that guys and girls can be best friends without having any intentions. After I had done all this there came a big bang – or rather the black hole of marriage. I don’t need that guy – ok he can be my friend, he can even stay with me and I think I will manage to cook and make him (and myself) happy as well. But why the hell marriage? I don’t need him for anything- not for emotional support (100s of client meetings later- some good and some bad I know how to manage my mood), not for get pleasure out of fucks (did u hear about the latest sex toy?) not for finances (remember five figure salary going on six- the onsite assignment), not for the time when I am in sick bed (my company and my team from work takes care of that) and certainly not to make babies (how about adoption without marriage- its in vogue). I need to be with a guy all my life (I do not believe in divorces and can write an equally vehement speech on that). When I come back home from work I cannot be bothered to see another human being within my view area. All I want is to be left alone till the next morning…So do I marry just because everyone else in my family got married before me? Or just to go out for dates, holidays and shopping with one guy instead of anyone randomly picked up? To me the whole thing looks crazed out.
When I tell this to people a lot of them point that something is wrong in my head. That I am too independent, too moody and too “free”. That I take things too practically (thus bringing us to the third question in my list). The word “practical” has made my life so troublesome that I actually went to see the meaning in the dictionary. For those of you who are smiling at this- well I was actually worried about the fact if I am normal or not. Was I being too selfish thinking of self all the time? But the dictionary meaning (anything that’s guided by morals and voluntary desires; together) instead of resolving the knot confused me further. In my case the voluntary desires and morals were running in 2 separate directions and I would have been so much happier had the definition said “anything that’s guided by either morals or voluntary desires and not both”. I say, there is nothing called love. The 4 crore marriage industry and the whole of advertising industry that camps so heavily on that emotion is an absolute waste to everyone; except the people who are cashing on it. Love can only happen in the 3hour movies in real life you have to arrange things to make it happen. The only problem is when you start “arranging” things the emotion is out of it. You can arrange a romantic dinner with your partner to show love, but then at the back of the mind you would be wondering if the two of you can leave a bit early; since you have to make that damned presentation. Where is the emotion in that case? Still others tell me that “love is when you do things out of will to make the other person happy”. But for me that kind of spontaneous love is for everyone around- right from the dog whom I kick everyday from the main gate of the house to the madman who stays at the end of the road. The day I miss seeing either of them – I feel something is amiss. Guess, a lot of people call that habit. So is love a habit? If yes, then what do I leave special for my “special someone”? I spend 10 hours at the workplace – sharing the little joys and sorrows and anyone would agree that all that happens in office cannot be explained to a third person with 100% transmission; and not even 50% at the end of a work day. It just doesn’t make sense. What does it leave out for the partner? A glum face at the end of the day, a few hours over the weekend plus what you smell like when you fart, how loudly can you snore, how many birth marks are there over your body and how do you look when you wake up in the middle of the night. Is that love?
I know I sound critical and an absolute pessimist. I am not – I want to be happy (that’s my answer to what is my purpose in life) and want to make people around me happy. Don’t want to hurt even a fly (the dog that I kick everyday in the above paragraph also receives bread and milk daily). I try to follow the saying that “you can be happy if you want to be happy”. That’s possible if you ignore the dark things in life. But then what if there are so many fused bulbs around that you are actually struggling to walk? If love is sharing small joys and sorrows (the farts and the snoring contests) then what happens to the big ones? They obviously fall in the laps of colleagues. Some of them even manage to migrate to the category of good friends – trouble starts when the “good friend” is from the opposite sex. The spouse at home gets the small share of joys and sorrows and this friend from work gets the major share of your time and the joys and sorrows. It’s impossible to share everything with this friend and not love him. Ok there is something called being in limit. But for how long? There are limits even to “being in limit”. Is it unnatural to desire someone physically (remember practicality is driven also by morals as per the definition?) when there are so many linked emotions? If I can have 10 friends then why not 10 lovers? What’s wrong? Morals of course. That brings me to my second question. What is love and friendship? How do you “limit” love? Remember in the above paragraph you were wondering that this girl is crazy, when she is being practical in love and now you are thinking about limiting it to just one person who gets the smallest share of the joys and sorrows? Forget about physical love (lets reserve it for the spouse) but what about all those conversations over coffee and lunch? My practicality says it’s easier to get rid of, forgive and forget “spouse’s sleeping with some one else” than the emotional dependence and the chemistry that they share over what the world calls “small talk”. Coming back to the point I made earlier- if it’s permitted by the world to have casual conversations with 10 people (which may sometimes provide more pleasure than the sex last night) with whom you share a good rapport is one night stand with a colleague during one of those weak moments wrong? Wrong as per the world- but again seems practical to me. The guilt and the slight change from monotony, the sense of adventure that it provides may actually save a failing marriage.
I might be wrong on all points I made above. I agree I should marry, be reasonably practical that makes me stick to marriage and be in the limits with friends and colleagues. But then all this deprives the selfish me of the basic motive in life of being happy. I would be too busy pleasing everyone and setting limits and in deciding how many grams of practicality I need in a situation. So then what is the purpose of life? Just live day by day (I call that dying) and then create a list of “10 things to do before dying” a few months before death of all the stuff that was missed. Saying sorrys thankyous and I love(d) yous. My stupid tortured practicality again comes into the picture and tells me that if I do not set any limits to what I can give and take in terms of emotions (that is live as if every moment is the last) then I wouldn’t need a list at the end of the journey. But then that would mean being called a robot (if I go by the concept mentioned in para one of love being nothing but advertisement hype and an emotion that can be “arranged”) or a slut (if I live and love without limits).
Answers anyone?
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