The Dream

The moment I saw myself for the first time I was surprised…rather more scared than surprised. Anyone who is “normal” would be. There I was lying on the bed sleeping peacefully my face slightly bent towards the left mouth open and here I was standing by the bed looking at the other me…wondering what to do. After a while when the fear wore off I moved around to see what was different. I even sat on the bed and touched myself…first me and then the “other me”. I wanted to wake her up…but….

Was I dead to see my own body? No I wasn’t. I remembered the day clearly and no where in the memory was I dead. It had been usual at office, hectic and crazy. I had come home, cooked, eaten, washed myself and had then gone off to sleep. Nothing out of ordinary. Suddenly I remembered the article I was reading a few days earlier about time slip (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_slip ) and wanted to know if something similar was happening. To confirm I walked back to the “other me” (thank god she was still sleeping peacefully) and took the cell phone lying by her side. 14 May 2009 – 1:09AM. Yeah yesterday was 13th….I remember discussing with Kriti about the Integration Testing that was supposed to start on 15th…So who was I?

Having nothing to do, I decided to check what Google bhagwaan had to say about my predicament. After a couple of clicks it looked that maybe I was experiencing OBD.(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Out-of-body_experience) But rather than feeling relieved I felt worse. Why me? I wasn’t on drugs, I was not in some kind of trauma, then why me? The article didn’t say a word about the “constitution” of physical body but I had imagined the spirit to be formless, shapeless and colorless and here I looked exactly as the other me. Suddenly a thought stuck me, although weird but under such situations everything looked possible. I walked to the entrance of the house that was closed. I closed my eyes and walked right to towards the door. In 4 steps I should have banged into the door but I didn’t. I opened my eyes and realized that I was right. I was the spirit and like those ghosts in horror movies could walk through solid stuff. This was getting interesting. I walked into my neighbor’s apartment and roamed around their house. I wanted to wake them up but didn’t want to explain the new found secret so left it at that. I decided to try this trick with a stranger who didn’t know me. So the next moment found me on the road, looking for a “suitable victim”.

I couldn’t find a soul at the early hour and was a bit disappointed. I decided to go to the tram stop (someone would be there for sure) but then decided against it. I was scared…what would happen if my physical body wakes up? What if something goes wrong and I am left on the roads? Caution made me head back home…but right in front of my house opposite the bakery, I met the harmless madman who lived on the roads. Maybe he was the perfect victim. No one could blame me and I will have my answers. He was old and I knew that he couldn’t run so I had nothing to fear. Plus the house was just on the other side of the road...

He sat on the bench his head on one side. I kept my hand on his shoulders but he didn’t wake up. I strengthened my grip on his shoulder (I realized that just with mere thinking I could decide whether I wanted to feel solid skin or insert my fingers through the skin) and shook him. He woke up and looked around. No he didn’t see me. I stepped closer and took off his cap. He opened his eyes again, felt his head and then looked surprised to see his cap standing in mid air. He looked shocked and said something in Polish and started to walk away from the bench as fast as his old legs could carry him. So I was a ghost…the idea delighted me and depressed me at the same time. I could for sure have some fun. But then what about the physical body? I didn’t want to die…I needed to discuss this with someone. I kept the madman’s hat on the bench and went back to the house.

As I entered the house I realized, that I didn’t feel warm inside the house (usually the temperatures drip by atleast 2-3 degrees during night and the houses are warmer). Rather I felt pleasant, neither cold not hot. The other me was still sleeping (I wondered what she was dreaming). The laptop lighted the room in a bluish white glow. I sat on the chair and logged on to Skype. As expected, Nikhil was online and I decided to chat with him. The conversation went something like it usually did when I woke up in the middle of the nights.

Suhani (I): hello
Nikhil: Hi, Good Morning biwiji. Aren’t you up a bit too early today?
Suhani: Hmmm…Good Morning sweetheart. Yeah woke up…couldn’t sleep so thought I might catch up with you for a while. Howz your day going?
Nikhil: Day is going fine. I managed to write 3 pages for my thesis since morning…aur abhi I am feeling hungry, soach raha hoon kuch kha kar aa jaon. But before that tell me are you ok? Did you have a bad dream again?
Suhani: Hmmm…kind of. I saw that I was dead and was seeing my own body.
Nikhil: Oh…don’t worry, abhi so jao. Hug the pillow, think of me and sleep.
Suhani: Ok…I will try…but suppose if I am really dead and you are talking to my spirit?
Nikhil: I don’t mind so long I have you…I don’t care if you are a spirit or human. Aacha listen, Rinku is calling me for lunch. I am going away. Try to sleep, if not give me a missed call and I shall call you back
Suhani: Ok….sure. Love you
Nikhil: Love you too!!

So my boyfriend didn’t believe me. How could he- when this was strange for me as well. This meant I couldn’t really discuss it with him. I thought of calling Naina, but it must be 5 AM in India…too early…and what would I tell her? Hi Naina, this is Divya’s spirit speaking. That sounded like a joke to me. Suddenly my eyes fell on the sleeping me. Wasn’t the other I the best person to discuss this? Why hadn’t I thought of this earlier? I moved to the bed and shook her. No response. Tried again. No success. I moved my hand over her heart. Yes the heart was beating. Then on the nose- even the breath was coming. Then what? I went back to the kitchen and brought some water. Sprinkled it on her. She didn’t wake. The realisation sank in…I was in a brain dead state…..

The clock showed 2:30 AM now. Almost one and a half hour had elapsed and in a way I was worried about the morning. This was fun but I wanted to live and not go around as a spirit. Yes I hated those busy work hours, I hated my boss but I still wanted to be there. I felt like crying but no tears came in my eyes…all I could hear was the sound of my own ragged breath…

After I had calmed down a bit, I decided to do what looked feasible. If I had to stay that way forever, let me write it down so that atleast people can know….so what if they see only my brain dead body and don’t see the actual me. With this thought, I started typing away about the experiences on the laptop. As more thoughts came on paper, new ideas stuck me. I experimented with a lot of things…I realized I could touch fire and ice without feeling a thing…as if the skin had lost the sense of feeling. I realized I didn’t feel hungry or thirsty. On the other hand, my other senses were enhanced. I could smell and hear more clearly. I could cut myself and not bleed and more than that on desire I could float in the air…though not for long. With this knowledge my first thoughts were to go to New Zealand to Nikhil. We had been contemplating meeting over the past few months but the lack of time and finances didn’t permit. But wasn’t this the perfect time? I couldn’t be seen and could even fly……But on the other side was a wall of doubts. Would he want to touch a spirit? What would happen to my physical body? I surely could spice up things in my life but they needed to wait. First I needed to find a couple of answers, judge the true nature of the situation and self before going anywhere.

By the time I finished writing it was 4:00AM. I was wondering what to do next when,suddenly I heard some moment behind me. I turned and came face to face with Maja (pronounced as Maya). I wanted to scream but no voice came out of my throat. This was getting worse. Ever since I had come to this house in Poland, I had often dreamed about this old lady. She would come and sit on the couch and talk to me about everything. She had told me how she had seen the Nazi atrocities at Auzwitcz during the IInd World War. In my dreams she would come and talk and then go away. Never ever, had I the courage to ask her who she was and what did she want from me. Usually her dreams left me restless and scared- but I had ignored them thinking of them as just nightmares.

But here she was standing right in front of me. I could and couldn’t dispute her existence only as much as I could/couldn’t dispute my own. She looked at me and then went to her usual place on the couch. She said hello to me and didn’t look one bit surprised to see “two me”. In my mind it looked as if she was some family friend who had dropped in and I should be asking her for some tea and biscuits. But common sense told me that this was the most extraordinary thing that had ever happened to me. I was brain dead, I was a spirit and now I was talking to the “ghost lady” who had given me nightmares. God help me!!

She started talking again. I was scared but then after a while, I asked her what was happening to me. She confirmed what Google had told. I was floating out of my own physical body. I asked her why? She said because in my subconscious mind I had wanted to do this always. True, I had been interested in this kinda stuff as long as I remembered. Next I asked her why she came to my dreams. She smiled her grandmotherly smile and said that she didn’t come to me…she had always been there…this was her house so what if for the “living world” that was 23 years ago. She had no obligations to abide by the rules of the living world. She continued the conversation for another 10 minutes and then both of us fell silent. I glanced at the clock and it was almost 5:00 AM. She got up to leave, and then I realized it was my last hope. I asked her...”Can you please tell me how can I be normal again? I want to be what I was when I had gone off to sleep in the night.” She smiled and said “Its simple…you can go back to your body when ever you want. Just go and lie where your body is lying and you would fit in…” saying this she walked out of the room.

I looked one last time at everything and then did what she had instructed. The next thing I heard was the sound of the alarm ringing at 7 AM. I woke up feeling sleepy and suddenly remembered all that had happened. I looked around and saw that there was just one me. So this was again a dream…God! What kind of dreams I have. I logged on to the lap top to say good morning to Nikhil. The skype chat window from the previous night was still open…but then my eyes fell on the last conversation….it was “good morning” instead of “good night”…which meant….what had happened was the truth. I went back to the desktop and there it was….this story….I still dismissed the whole thing as sleep walking/writing until on my way to office I saw the madman prodding his cap still lying on the bench with a long stick from a distance…….as if he was afraid of something

The Circle of Life

She woke up with a start. The alarm clock had broken off the sexy dream where Nikhil and she were trying to eat an ice-cream in bed. She smiled at the memory of the dream but as the brain returned to activity the smile turned to a frown. The dream would have been a happy one 10 days ago...now it was just a reminder of the bitterness and lull that lay ahead.
The bed side clock blinked 2:00AM. She looked dispassionately around the hotel room till her red eyes rested on the suitcase lying in the corner. It should have been suitcases full of sarees and evening gowns but right now it was just one...that too packed in a hurry containing a couple of formal wears. Outside the city was dark and sleeping except for an occasional call centre cab. My last night in India for a long long time to come. Her eyes filled with tears and she buried he face in the pillow for another round of crying...
She had got to know of Nikhil through a matrimonial site. Initially skeptical about marriage she had awaited the D day with a surprised eagerness as love had grown between the two of them. She was sure that he was her Mr. Right....her parents liked him and his family reciprocated their feelings. The funny thing was that they had never met in all this time...she was in Poland and he in New Zealand...at the opposite corners of the earth so much so that there was an exact 12 hour difference between them up to the last second. Skype and Google talk had been their life line in those long months. Both their onsite assignments had finished almost 2 weeks back and they had looked forward to this travel back to India when their families would meet each other and formally announce the engagement. Marriage looked to be a happy certainty 2-3 months down the line so much so that they had now taken up assignments with their respective companies in London.

But things had not worked out. Something had gone wrong and their families had split up, even before meeting. Marriage was refused...and all attempts to pacify the warring families had resulted in dialogs like "light our funeral pyre before you go and marry him/her" and threats of suicide attempts by their respective mothers. Despite those tears she smiled at the irony of the situation...how her mother and his mother that given the same threats to them.....
The snooze from the alarm clock shook her off the reverie. Today was her (and his....she thought ruefully) flight to London at 8:00AM. She got off the bed and proceeded to task of cleaning herself and doing the last minute packing. "I will finally get to see him today", she thought. But was it worth it? He was a stranger after all-a stranger who had changed roles from an unknown person to someone whom she had loved so much and then right now she couldn’t think of an emotion to relate to. She loved him of course...but she didn’t want to see him anymore....
In the last one week when it had become clear to both of them that marriage was out of question, they had tried to make half hearted efforts to cancel the assignments and the rest of the stuff that comes along....it wasn’t really a brilliant idea to be in the same city with someone the heart loved with all the might and the eyes pretended not even to care. But it was a failure...the recession, coupled with the lack of time and confused thoughts hadn’t really helped.
In an hour's time she was in the taxi heading to the airport. She stared blankly at the mobile lying at her side thinking it would buzz any minute. "As if I care", she thought and turned her face to the darkness outside. But her mind still was wondering how to react to the person she was going to meet today in person for the first time and what the next 8 hours on the flight were going to be like....
Airport....buzzing with energy even at that hour. The energy of meeting the loved ones and the energy of the tears of the ones going off. She had insisted on coming without friends or family -she was practically trying to run away from people who had hurt her by not letting her marry the person she loved. But run away where? To another trouble? Her alert eyes tried to scan the crowds for him by trying to look casual...fresh shockwaves hit her when she saw him to be there already. She had expected him to be late(as usual) or not to be there at all....after all he could have found another job another city.....True, even that gesture would have hurt but then it would have settled off the pain...atleast this was what she thought at the moment.
He was sitting at the corner chair all by himself lost in thoughts. He looked young and vulnerable and she felt sorry for him....had he come unshaved wearing a rejected aashiq's expression she might have hardened herself, but right now she wanted to hug him. Her feet moved in his direction but she dragged them in anther. But even before she could hide herself in the not-so-filled lounge he spotted her and just stared at her. She stopped looked at him and walked in the opposite direction..."What cannot be faced be better left untouched".
They had always discussed what their first meeting would be like and how happy they would be. But they had never in their wildest dreams imagined that it was a meeting sans talks, when they would just pass off as strangers….Irony of life……In all the time at the lounge they sat in opposite corners looking at each other, when they thought that the other one wasn’t looking. But they never spoke…it seemed too trivial to speak now both about the past and the future… when the eyes managed to pass on the pain that they felt in the present.
When the announcement for boarding was made they glanced casually at one another- just to confirm if the other would be following. Somehow in their heart of hearts they felt everything would be all right somehow. But then their seats on the plane were far off…Suhani wasn’t sure if this fact angered or relieved her….
The plane takes off….Suhani bids a silent farewell to India and closes her eyes that are red with constant tears and tiredness. The seats next to her are unoccupied and she tries to imagine what it could have been like to have Nikhil there just for once. A smile spreads out on the face…but then she remembers that there is no sense in dreaming empty dreams. Jus then the voice of the airhostess shakes her out of the reverie. “Madam, the gentleman at seat number 52, Mr. Nikhil Mehta, says, he knows you and sends across this. Do you want to communicate?” Saying this the air hostess forwards the tray that had a wrapped box”. Suhani nods in positive and mumbles a “Thank you” and takes the box.
Inside is a ring in white gold wrapped in muslin…exactly as she had wanted. And a note. “This ring was supposed to be your engagement ring and it would fit just in your fingers, Cinderella. I am neither a prince nor a knight in shining armour and I bring no hope. But then, I cannot give away something that was always yours. Keep this in remembrance of the good times we shared – Nikhil”
Suhani sighs. Fresh tears. She puts on the ring and clasps her hands in a silent prayer. “Please god, let this be over soon…” She repeats this until she falls asleep.

*************************

8 hours pass more quickly than expected.
It was quarter past eleven when the flight reached London. They again see each other at the airport and even manage to get their luggage at the same time. It was a warm day with ample sunshine. He was walking slowly or probably she was walking too fast, almost running, to escape him. She felt a desire to look back but refrained from doing so, for she knew that her resolve would be broken if she spoke to him even once. And she was a strong woman. She could not see herself as vulnerable to anything. ANYTHING….
As she sat in the taxi her body willed her to turn back and look from the back mirror if he was there. She turned but could not spot Nikhil in the teeming millions. Somehow not being able to see him made it worse and she realized that she was ready to live with the pain of parting if she could just see him every day and know he was ok. The further the taxi moved, more intense grew her desire to see him. She wanted to hug him and kiss him for the first last and only time. Just to say goodbye. Just to feel like his wife for a moment and be content with that.
She had originally decided to stay at the Holiday Inn till she got herself an apartment. But now the desire that flared made her ask the driver to take a turn towards the apartment where they were supposed to live in. Together. When she reached she found it to be unoccupied. She sat on the stairs waiting for him to come.

He didn’t come. EVER.
At 10 in the night she headed back to the Holiday Inn to start a new life or rather kill the old one.

**********************************
Rajeev was true socialite. He loved drinking and partying with friends. He was warm and cheerful. Suhani could not say no to him-after all he was more of a family than friend. Her work in Pune was over and her flight back to Delhi was scheduled in the afternoon next day. She could not think of some innovative excuse and finally she was there at his marriage anniversary party with her adopted daughter Deeksha. Suhani had never married and Deeksha had been her only family in the last 10 years.
Rajeev had managed to invite every possible human being he knew on earth. Suhani smiled at all the pomp around. She stood alone an elegant saree clad woman in late thirties…But then she didn’t need anyone at her side. Her thoughts were enough to give her company. Plus she loved observing people from a distance…..Her eyes roamed over the crowd and suddenly they stopped…
It was HIM! He was clean shaven and clad in a formal suit. Some gray strands were visible on his balding head. All the same he looked elegant- there was something about his eyes though- they looked sad even though he was laughing in a circle of corporate czars each holding a wine glass in their hands.
Perhaps eyes do pinch. He got to know that he is being watched. He turned and even though Suhani tried to hide in the shadows of the crowd he spotted her. It didn’t take him even a fraction of a second to recognize that it was HER. It had been 15 long years and she had changed a lot as well. Yet...
They moved towards each other willed more by the spirit than by the body. As they stood in front of each other for probably the first time in their lives thinking what to say…a child’s voice floats… “Papa, papa…I am sleepy now...let’s go home.” Suhani looks at the girl who is tugging at the girl who is tugging at Nikhil’s sleeves. Suhani bends over, smiles and asks her “Hello…I am Suhani…What is your name?” The girl says “Hello, I am Deeksha”
Shock waves hit her again…Deeksha….wasn’t that the name they had decided for their daughter long long ago-like young love does? So they were still connected in a way after all those years. Suhani smiles at the irony of it all. She pats the child on her head and then looks up at Nikhil and adds “Even I have a daughter named Deeksha…” Nikhil doesn’t say a word but then his eyes are an open book…..he turns away after a while, not a spoken word shared between them.
When she leaves for the Mumbai airport in the morning, it was raining. She asked her taxi driver “It doesn’t look like Mumbai-Pune highway. Where are we heading to?” “It’s the new expressway Mem Saab. It is much faster.” She wanted to take the old beautiful road. She loved it. “We have come too far to change the road. ”
Suhani hugs her sleeping daughter closer. The rain had washed off all the stains on the window pane. Water was flowing all over. Everything outside looked blurred, separated in time and space…

PS: The story is not wholly written by me. Its partly written by Gopal. Thanks buddy!!