"Suciding" Maya

“Ek choti si problem ho gai hai…I would not be………..” the moment I heard the “not” word I disconnected the line. Did not want to hear the reason(s) whatever they may be. I switched off the phone to avoid being called again. An ever growing void filled me and it almost seemed as if it would burst out, crowding the whole world with nothingness.

It is not that I had expected anything better. I had asked him to meet me, one last time (the first time as well) and I had known all along that it will never happen. Not because he did not want it to happen but because he didn’t think it was the right thing to do. And thinking makes a lot of difference. If you think you can, you will and if you think you cannot…well each atom of the universe will conspire to take away the desired thing from you (corollary of the theorem given in The Alchemist).

I lay on the lower berth of the train, on my stomach my face plopped up over the bag I was carrying, the monsoon scenery of the Satpuras and Vindhayas racing outside. The book that I had planned to read lay unattended, by my head as my eyes were riveted at the window. Only a few minutes ago I had been wondering if it had been a chance that the book was the travel diary of a pilgrim’s journey from Amarkantak (in Vindhayas) to the Arabian Sea (where Narmada drains off). Of course, no Narmada came into view, but my mind was busy putting pictures from the book in the scenery outside. Low dark clouds hung over the hills in the quickly fading day. The entire atmosphere was of expectancy…outside of the strong shower that was to come and in my heart of the phone call. Both of them came…almost at the same time…one breaking the silence outside and the other snapping my heart into a thousand pieces.

The void was spreading as if like poison and at that moment I decided to kill Maya. (I needed to do something destructive to vent off the despair). Maya who had given me a new lease of life. Maya, who was me. Maya, who was personification of my real emotions, the real moments of life – the unabated giggle, the sadness that seeps into the heart as water does in sand, the laughter that can light up the world, the innocence the desires…everything. Without Maya I was lost- I would become a vegetable – who would still laugh and cry but like the doll whose battery is almost dead. There was no reason why an expected “no” over the phone call had plunged me into this kind of thought process but then thoughts don’t need a reason…

The train had stopped, for some unknown reason. It was jungle all around and not a human habitation was in sight. The usually placid me (who would not even venture near an open door of a running train) got up and decided to have a look around. I stood at the door and then as if directed by an unknown force got down after a few moments. I walked across the tracks into the jungle. People saw me out of their windows, their looks told me that they thought of me as crazy - but noone made an effort to stop me.I walked trying not to look back - trying to show "I-know-what-I-am-doing" even as the bullets of eyes holed my back. However,once the train was out of sight the enormity of the situation hit me- I was alone, with a few hundred rupees in my pocket and a switched off mobile phone in the middle of nowhere on a rainy evening. I debated going back to the train but no…if I went back Maya would not leave me. It was crazy…

Another 10 minutes of walking on the uneven slushy jungle path and I spotted a snake. I was about to step on it but then had managed not to. My legs turned,as if of ice even as my eyes followed the snake. A few meters ahead an animal carcass lay, cleaned off all of its flesh. I stared at in revulsion even as fear made me shiver.The two scenes were enough to stop my venture into the jungle. I turned back instantly on the path I had come from…Images filled my head. Of my family that was unaware that I was running away (from them or from Maya?), of the scenes from “The Blair Witch Project” where people get lost in the jungle, of Akshay Kumar telling the participants of “Khatron ke Khiladi” (a stunt based reality TV show) “that the best way to fight fear was to confront it”. I wanted to laugh…for fear was a small word here, considering that I am scared of everything…darkness, ghosts, creepy-crawlies, strangers, heights, depths, water….the list is endless…

When I returned back to the point I had started, the train had gone. Utter silence filled me…so much so that it actually seemed the void inside me had spread out. What next? The rain was beginning to fall making the darkness come early. I decided to walk by the railway track- it would lead me to human habitation, to the next station, to civilization. The idea of killing Maya looked more plausible from the train, even from outside the train, but not right now…

It was the longest walk of my life, not so much in terms of hours but my own fears. The rain was coming in torrents now and the once beautiful scenery evaporated…replaced by shadows snakes and slushes. I kept my eyes on my shoes, looking neither right nor left for the fear of spotting a ghost. I was thankful to the rain for it kept out the sounds that could have made the experience worse. A train crossed by and through the lighted windows I could see the people- oh how I wished to be there, instead of here and yet I made no effort to get on to it when it slowed-my mind was still dancing between "killing Maya" and "the adventure"….Approximately 45 minutes later I came to a small deserted station, where no trains would stop – maybe they would just slow down. Maybe it was not a station at all- for as I realized later it had just one building from which the guard could wave his flag at the train passing by. I decided to stay there. Hunger gnawed in my stomach but I dared not find a place to eat-what would I answer to what a well dressed girl was doing alone there? Besides, for all the adventure I was worth I didn’t want to be raped or robbed.

Behind the guard’s building, I found a stack of hay. On first sight it was wet but then further investigation revealed that there was no other option available. I got inside – right in the middle, where it was warmer and not wet at all. I left a small “peep hole” to have an outside view. The rains had stopped and a crescent moon peeped out from behind the clouds. Nothing was visible except for the trees, the hills and of course the ghost like shadows…I remembered my driver telling me about an incident where as a teenager in his village he had gone to attend to nature’s call early in the morning. How he had heard someone crying for help and then following the voice had come on a body with the head separated (presumably by the train). It was the head that had been calling…My body shook with fear and I decided to think of nicer things. Since nothing came in my head I turned on the mobile.

No missed calls. Just a message from the friend whose “no” had "given" me this strange night. “Seems like your mobile is out of network- I am unable to reach you. Sorry could not come to meet you” I sighed. Should I call him to tell him about my where abouts? No he must be busy and after all he wasn’t responsible for my actions. Maybe if he would know he would also scream at me-like everyone else. I deserved that screaming -I knew what I was doing was utterly stupid but what’s life without stupidity? On second thoughts, I messaged him "Delay (kuch ghanton ka), Destiny,Desperation, Desires(all killed), Deeriyan, Dooriyan, Darmiyan....". An infillable void. A chasm. Darkness....I switched the cell again...so that noone in the world could reach me- so that Maya had all the peace in the world as she united with the elements. I didnt want the worldly maaya disturbing my Maya.

It wasn’t really very comfortable as the hay tickled me and imaginary/real insects crawled over me. My clothes were wet and I was cold but I dared not take them off. I slept badly and my dreams were strange ones…of tribals dancing before a sacrifice, of a woman standing on the precipice just before jumping into the river, of hyenas howling and me getting lost. But the worst one was when I could see this friend of mine coming to meet me and then disappearing. Coming again and disappearing...till I was actually crying in my sleep. Sometime in the middle of those dreams, I decided that I had enough and that I should board the next train and get on to my destination. When I finally woke up it was 3:00 AM. Back to my senses, I questioned myself as to what was I doing? Had I really intended to kill myself or a part of me? Did I really want to run away? I was surprised when I realized that my answer to all the questions was no. I was still not sure if it was anger, foolishness or a sense of adventure that had made me get off the train but whatever it was I did not want to leave Maya or for that matter any part of me (good or bad) here in the company of ghosts, snakes and centipedes. I wanted to live if for nothing else then for the small pleasures that life afforded (like such crazy moments) Why had to Maya think about a stupid phone call when life was so vast?

Early in the morning, I saw a train slow down. No second thoughts and I rushed to get in. It was still dark so not too many people saw me. A couple of seats were empty and I got into one of them as easily as the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle slides into the whole picture. A sigh of relief. I was cold, I was wet but I was home. As the train picked speed I glanced one last time at the place which I will always know as Maya's resting place. It looked beautiful again- the mountains, the sunrise, the mist, the trees. I could no longer see the cockroaches, the snakes or the ghosts. They were gone. And where was Maya?

She was still there, with me. The “suicide” attempt had obviously failed but then it had been a night to remember….And then I was thinking…can I do this again? Maybe in a more planned manner? With enough food water medicines and rain coat?


Still wondering…